I’ve been thinking a lot about some things. I’m currently only working two days a week… which has given me quite a lot of spare thinking time. I would have used more of that time for thinking/reflecting if I weren’t that easily swayed into doing the easy thing… watching TV, playing games, etc. But anyway, I’m not being too hard on myself because that’s part of what this time off was meant for but it does feel like a tiny bit of a waste but I can honestly say I feel good now partly because I’ve done some of the easy thing… but a bit guilty… but good… but guilty.

Back to what I was trying to say… which was what I was thinking about before I started explaining why I was thinking, or why I had the time to think. As if anyone has to explain why they have time to think? Or maybe they do? I don’t really know how other people do things, and if they need to make time to think or if reflection comes naturally to them. I think they make time? Because often I’ve had a full day with zero time to reflect, or process, or day dream (which I find so helpful). Then all of a sudden 12 months have passed… 365 days… a whole year… and I’ve not done any of the thinking, planning or any of the other things I wanted to.

Still off track! I was thinking about imposter syndrome, or maybe a form of it. I feel like I suffer from a whole myriad of issues… or symptoms at least, so I am not sure in which area this question, or answer lies. I have an answer, but I don’t know what issue the answer addresses… but it addresses something. At its root it might be addressing anxiety, but I am not sure.

I am trying to frame my advice to myself, in general terms so that if you have the same issue, you can apply it to yourself but I am struggling to do that. I guess part of what I am addressing is imposter syndrome with a side of a lack of self worth? Which is possibly the same thing?

I think I’ve figured out how to communicate it and sell my thoughts.

Maybe you don't believe in yourself. Maybe you don't think you can do something. Maybe you're struggling to achieve certain goals. Maybe, at your worst, you think you're worthless.

None of these things are true. Let me explain why.

Can you think of people you believe in? Maybe you believe in your parents. Maybe you believe in your brother or your sister-in-law or some other people. Maybe you admire some friends or a partner, maybe you believe in them. Maybe you think they're good people. Maybe you think they have self-worth, maybe you think they're amazing at their job. Maybe you think they've got amazing kindness and altruism… or some other qualities you admire. So, you have this support base and you think all of these amazing things about these people around you?

You must know (and you do know [talking to myself here]) that all these people think that you are capable and believe in you the same way you believe in them. So why can't you believe in yourself to the same extent as they believe in you? Have you seen yourself through their eyes? If you did, you would see that you are good at your job, that you are an amazing friend, that you're good with children, that you're kind and loving, that you’re funny and smart. If you did look at yourself through their eyes you’d know that all of these things are true. So… why do you believe the opposite? And… since you fully believe in the amazingness of your friends and you know for a fact that they have the same or similar doubts about themselves as you do about yourself, that proves that you have some form of mental dysmorphia and that your self beliefs are not reflective of the truth.

Anyway, after thinking about some things for a bit, that is the conclusion I came to. I’ve never really liked relying on others and I don’t think anyone should care about what other people think about them… buuut I found thinking about it this way to be quite a helpful perspective, and it provides me with a good reference point. Being as independent as I am in my personality (pronounced as hermit), can mean a lack of a reference point which can often be a positive but it does have its tradeoffs.

I also fully acknowledge that I am lucky to have this amazing support base to allow me to think it through in this way.

Thank you support base!